If Sex Was a Crime, How Long Would YOU Be Locked Up?

If Sex Was a Crime, How Long Would YOU Be Locked Up?

I would be locked up for at least 66 years!

I imagine I might find a way to make a few friends during that time. Although, toilet wine? Probably not my thing.

Found this on the net, thought it would be fun to share.

So, what have I done to deserve 66 years?

The Breakdown:

Have nudes on your phone.

Who doesn’t? That’s a part of modern social commerce.

Fucked in a shower.

Makes for easy clean-up, although the constant spray can be a tad annoying. Advice: If they are going to pee on you, turn the shower off. You might get a little cold, but all that warm amber liquid should compensate.

And DON’T use soap as lube. Just trust me on that one… ouch.

Fucked in a car.

Any port in a storm, am I right? Anyplace I hang my hat is home? I’m not saying it is comfortable. I am over six feet, with long legs, but I have still managed. Still, climbing off a dude as the cops are approaching? Well, that was no fun. Turns out getting dressed after takes a lot more time than one would think.

Fucked in a bed that neither of you owned.

Well, if you have ever taken the new boyfriend to your sister’s house (sorry, hon) at the beginning of your relationship, ummm, duh! Be kind though. Strip that bed and wash those sheets BEFORE you leave.

Sex with lights on.

Are we talking kliegl lights? Diffusers? A Super Trouper III? Yes, Mr. DeMille, I am ready for my close-up!

Sex with lights off.

I walked into to two blackout rooms at a bathhouse in Amsterdam. I was terrified. The smell was off-putting and I could only imagine what kind of demon would worm its way into my ass, so I fled. But definitely not a stranger to a dark room with no lights. I actually seek those out. Some things are best kept in the shadows… moi, case in point.

Sex in public.

Ummm… no, never, ever. Gasp. Who would do such a thing? Weirdest place? The locker room at a convent in Iowa with an actor from the Guthrie. Yeah. I am fearless. In public, in front of other people? Fuck, yeah. To this day, there are mens rooms downtown Minneapolis where the tea house queens whisper my name…

Sex outside.

In my world, that’s called ‘Friday’.

Sex with food.

Is Hershey chocolate syrup is technically a food? Yes. Recommend it? No. I used to hook up with this church organist (his profession suited him); tall white dude with a huge fucking cock. One time, I showed up and he made me kneel in the shower while he peed on me. Then he produced this squeeze bottle of syrup and went nuts. I consumed so much sweet stuff, I went into a diabetic coma shortly after (nah).

Sex with toys.

Oh, yes. And recently I broke down and bought my own. My eyes were bigger than my hole. But I am learning. With other people? A fave lives in South Minneapolis. Beautiful, slim, muscular black dude with an arsenal. We never fucked, we just diddled each other with items from his collection until we shot our loads. P.S. Use LOTS of lube. And put a condom on those things.

Fucked while drunk.

Isn’t that called your twenties? I came out when I was 27. I went to my first gay bar that same year. I fucked a lot of really shitty people that year. It only took me 3 years to learn that lesson (I am a slow learner).

Fucked while high.

420. Check. Don’t like it anymore. Too potent. Makes me sleepy.

Crystal. Just once. Don’t recommend it. Never did it again.

Z. Just once. Don’t recommend it. Never did it again.

Valium. There was a brief period where this is how I chose to cope with a personal trauma, until my then partner/business partner told me I had to make a choice. I chose him. Makes for terrible sex. I was basically a rag doll.

The only drug I recommend for sex? Viagra!

Fucked with a friend.

Fucked with a stranger.

Aren’t we all strangers? My first interpretation is that they are asking if you have had sex with a friend/stranger.

So, isn’t that everybody we have ever had sex with? If your dick is in me, at that moment, you are my friend. Before that, you were a stranger. Of course, then, there is anonymous sex and, ummm, been there, done that. My heart races at the thought. Seriously, great fun. But it can just as easily turn into a total bummer, so tread carefully.

My other interp of this: you have had sex with someone accompanied by a friend/a stranger.

Well, of course. That’s called taking turns. In the old days (about 10 years ago), I would find a chum at the prairie and we would gossip, fuck each other, set each other up, tag team, and pretty much terrorize the place. I did that three years with three separate buds. We would go to lunch together, on occasion, but that was the extent of our friendship outside of the prairie. And each summer was the extent of our friendship.

And fucking with a stranger? That’s called a threesome or moresome…

3some or moresome.

Cue: Andrea True Connection: ‘More, more, more… how do you like it, how do you like it?’

I likes it just fine!

As long as everyone gets their cookies in the end.

Sex with same sex.

This is a weird question. Which makes me think this is a hetero-centric quiz. I mean, why don’t they also ask ‘Sex with opposite sex’? Of course, that would just mean more jail time for yours truly.

Sex with someone off-limits.

My interp: like with your sister’s fiancee the day of the wedding. Or someone your best friend has laid claim to.

Anyone truly off-limits? As in under-aged? Well, you SHOULD do REAL jail time for that, honey.

I am guilty (of the former, not the latter). I went to visit my best friend in St. Louis. Walking downtown, he points out this bald, tattooed, muscle hunk in a wife beater walking by. Tells me he has his sights on him and would love to go out on a date with him. Now, my friend was/is a total ice queen. He had one serious relationship in the 30 years I have known him and that was based on meth use. Also, in that time, he confessed many a crush-from-afar and never acted on it once. Not even a date. Just before I am about to end my stay, I am on A4A and, will wonders never cease - this dude hits on me, wanting me to come over and get fucked. I check-in with my friend. He tells me that I can do what I want. I check-in with him again, and again, and again. In the back of my mind, I know that this is a trap, but I don’t play mind games, this dude is super hot and I want to experience him. So I go for it. The sex is balls to the wall, sweaty, dirty fucking fun. Post-coital, I tell him about my friend’s crush. He doesn’t know who I am talking about, but, yeah, he would go on a date, except he’s moving in three days to Seattle. I go back and tell my friend. I leave the next day. We correspond, as usual, for a month and a half and then… radio silence.

Bitch might as well be dead, cuz he dead to me.

And, yeah, yeah, yeah… my bad.

Sex with your ex.

Yeah. I used to get into year-long relationships with really controlling men. Sometimes, when my self-esteem was not the healthiest, I would revisit old stomping grounds. Not recommended.

Sex before 18.

I came out when I was 27. I lost my virginity when I was 18 - both kinds.

Before that? The closest I came to a sexual relationship was with a big-mouth beer bottle when I was 14 years old.

Catholicism sucks. I wasn’t even aware that sex in your teens was a possibility until I went off to college. If you told me that all my schoolmates were getting some, I would have thought you were insane or just being a dirty birdy.

Own sex toys.

I do now. Isolation breeds strange bedfellows. Although this fellow;s place is mainly my bathroom. Makes for easy clean up and he sticks well to both the floor and the shower wall.

Watch porn.

Do I not breathe? Do I not bleed? Do I not cum all over my keyboard?

Made a sex tape.

So this strikes me as old-fashioned. As in the days of VHS. Updated: yes, many, many phone vids of my hole taking dick exist on a number of other people's cell phones. I always ask them to share it with me, but only one person has ever followed-thru. Making a sex vid on your phone? It’s now simply part of having sex with a stranger.

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So, how many years are YOU gonna be locked up?

Feel free to share in the comments section.