Wonderland Burlesque's Hire Them Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's

Hire Them Quiz

Fantasy time!

You're super busy and very wealthy (and maybe a bit famous.)

You have no time and have to hire help for almost every aspect of your life. But you don't have time to do it, so your assistant has to.

Today, you're going to pretend you're your assistant who has been tasked with hiring various people to cater to your very specific needs. Have fun with it. Be candid, as only a third eye can be, and let these potential employees know what they're in for.

Think of this as an exercise where you get to know yourself better. Have fun.

1/ Personal Chef

He's vegetarian and has issues with dairy. Eggs are fine on occasion, but no milk, yogurt, etc. He's allergic to peanuts. They cause his throat to close up, Push fruit and veggies. He's not picky. No heavy sauces. Fruit smoothies, but all fruit, no syrups. Loves tofu. Loves spinach. He eats a large salad at dinner time. It has to be chopped finely, so take a scissors to it. And put any fruit or veggie in there. He likes 'em all. He loves beans, rice, chickpeas, and peas. Loves peas. Put 'em in everything. 

He likes Asian food and Middle Eastern fare. Tikka Masala and Korma. Loves spice, but don't go crazy. 

Any hot food must be hot. Breakfast is either a pea-based protein drink by Arbonne, or plain oatmeal with raisins. Cook the raisins with the oatmeal. He doesn't believe in waste, so leftovers are fine for lunch and he's fine with microwaves. Keep lots of flavored sparkling waters on hand. He's a tea and coffee drinker. Again, make sure it's hot. 

He hates sugar. The only sweets he eats on a regular basis are a bit of dark chocolate or fig newtons. Limit him on both. Snacks? When he bothers, it's plain tortilla chips with hummus, plain Triscuits, or oyster crackers. Heat the tortilla chips up in the air fryer. He likes 'em hot and crisp. He has a thing for pineapple salsa. (Yeah, I dunno.)

Oh, and potatoes. You can do anything you like with potatoes and he will eat them. But no cheese, no butter. He prefers olive oil. And garlic.

And mushrooms. He loves mushrooms.

He loves soups. Homemade, not canned. The less salt, the better. And if he does have soup, limit the number of oyster crackers you give him. He'll fill up on those, which are empty calories and then his blood sugar crashes and it's not pretty.

You'll do fine. But take my advice... if he ever walks  in the kitchen and starts preparing something for himself? Leave the room. He twirls around in there like he has an attention deficit disorder. And when 'hangry?' He gets mean,

And clumsy.

2/ Driver

When traveling: no limos and avoid town cars. Go economy car at all times. 

Oh, and he gets car sick real easy, so he has to sit in the front seat at all times. Sorry. It has something to do with his father smoking in the car when he was a kid. Plus he had a mountain bike accident and the balance thing in his brain went kaput. 

If he insists on driving, let him. It keeps him busy. And don't worry. You don't have to talk to him. Conversation is not his thing, at least not in the car. 

Let him adjust the heat/air and the radio/CD player. Yes, he insists on a CD player. He is terrified of playing music through his phone. Speaking of which, make sure there's a phone charger in the car. He has an old 4G Android with zero memory left and a bad battery. 

He's real picky about his music, too. Heaven forbid you're on a long ass road trip with him. He'll play the same song on repeat for an hour. 

We lose a lot of drivers that way.

He's very impatient. Use Google Maps. Then, if you get lost? You can blame Google Maps. 

He plans on nursing his current car until something major happens to it. So, constant maintenance is a must. The place he takes it to rips him off a lot, but he's lazy and refuses to find anybody else. 

3/ Housekeeper

General rule: don't move his things. He has an issue with object permanence and will spend hours trying to figure out why something isn't where it was. And if he's lost something or misplaced it? Hide. Get out of sight. He goes nuts, eventually declaring his entire life to be a crap-filled garbage dumpster.

Loves bleach. Loves Soft Scrub. Loves glass cleaner. NO PINE-SOL. Has something to do with the smell of porn theaters and the like. Just general cleaning. He keeps the lights low most of the time, so those dust bunnies in the corner? What he can't see doesn't bother him. 

Keep the piano dust free and clean. His scores and lyric sheets are a mess, but the piano itself has to be kept spotless.

And wipe down his laptops on occasion. He likes a hygienic keyboard.

His dressing area is a nightmare. He goes through phases... sometimes everything is in it's place and other times he lives out of a laundry basket. He tends to wear the same clothes over and over, like freshly laundered uniforms. His clothes rarely get 'dirty,' so use the short wash cycle and half the recommended amount of detergent. It's an environmental thing. Yeah, yeah, he thinks he's going to save the planet. 

His bathroom has to be spotless. Like he lives in a hotel. In fact, I don't know why he doesn't just do that, since personalizing his space isn't high on his to-do list.

He makes his own bed in the morning. And he likes it just so. 

Oh. Tissues. Everywhere. He has bad sinuses, probably a combination of allergies and a fondness for poppers. (What? You don't know what those are? You'll learn.) Make sure there are boxes of tissues near the piano, in the kitchenette, and in the bathroom. 

This is going to be an easy gig for you. He likes cleaning up after himself. Even hotel rooms. He likes to leave places as if he was never there.

4/ Gardener/Groundskeeper

Marigolds. Everywhere. Loves them. In spring, go ahead and plant whatever you want. He likes color, but hates to see things die, so perennials whenever possible. 

All those day lilies at The Boyfriend's place? Yeah, they are a pet project. He feels that since they exist he needs to maintain and care for them. He keeps spreading them out, trying to make it look better, but it's an uphill battle. 

The peonies, the rhubarb, the barbary bush, the morning glories, and the trumpet vine? Maintain. He likes them a lot. He feels that anything that has enough gumption to grow on it's own is worthy of nurturing. He knows nothing about gardening. You should see the weeds he's kept alive!

There are a bunch of roses. They kind of take care of themselves, but keep them up. They belong to The Ex. 

The front yard is a jungle at the main house. Keep it contained. They like the grape vines, at both the main house and The Boyfriend's place. 

He's been trying to get a raspberry patch going at The Boyfriend's house. Good luck. Oh, and now he' planted strawberries, too. 

Lawn mowing, he's not picky. Just keep it short and green. Also, you have to bag the grass. He doesn't have a thing about it, but The Ex does. 

Snow shoveling? He hates it. Use the snow blower as needed. He likes to sweep snow with a big broom. Yeah, that's his thing this year. Oh, and you have to do the neighbor's front walks on each side of the main house and The Boyfriend's house. Also his Mom's house and drive. Also the Catholic lady across the street. He complains about doing it, but he always does it, unless someone beats him to the punch.

No leaf blowers. Hates the noise. Hates the exhaust.

5/ Personal Shopper/Stylist (Clothing Only)

Good luck. 

He thinks brown is a color.

Black, charcoal, grey...  

Slip on shoes (he's gotten lazy.)

Thermal socks (his extremities are cold all the time.)

Everything has to breathe. 

He likes tight clothing, but not if it makes him look oddly-shaped. (Does that make sense?) (Everything makes him look oddly-shaped.)

On those occasions he gets dressed up, he likes a tasteful show. Classic lines. Simplicity. 

He doesn't wear wallpaper.

He can pull off stripes. 

He doesn't like short sleeves, except t-shirts. And those have to be cotton. 

Nothing stiff. He loves used clothing because it's all broken in. 

White crew or v-neck t's. Boxer briefs. 

Go crazy with shoes. He likes shoes, as long as they are comfortable. 

Long sleeve button downs with collars. Good luck with the arm length. And fitted. He doesn't do 'blousy.'

He likes a nice hoodie in fall and winter. He likes dress coats, especially vintage ones.

Patterns on shirts are fine, but nothing else. He likes single, solid colors. 

7/ Therapist

He's very goal-oriented. Doesn't like to waste time. A to Z, quickest way possible. 

He is disciplined. But it's a crazy kind. 

If you can, give him a routine, he loves to be in a routine. He can fake it without a script, but it's all sparks and stutters. 

Dude has some childhood stuff which he thinks he's dealt with (but he hasn't.) Tread lightly.

Anger. 

You could work on his anger. He will fool you. He's very good a being 'good.' Most people don't see his anger until he's walking out the door. Or having a meltdown.

He's not good with boundaries. As in, he doesn't say 'no.' And he really should. I think a lot of his current anger has to do with anxiety that is created when he's stuck doing something he agreed to do which he doesn't want to do. 

He hides a lot. He'll hide from you, too. 

He's a people pleaser, so he's really good at mimicking what other people expect. 

Trying to figure him out is kind of like one of those horror movies where it's one jump scare after another. 

Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's eerie. 

And sometimes... it's the monster.

8/ Personal Assistant 

(To cover for your personal assistant, who is taking a well-deserved vacation. Bitch, you are high maintenance.)

His life is split in two. There's the Monday through Thursday schedule and the Friday through Sunday schedule. 

Monday through Thursday: 

 

Work at 5:30 am. Currently working from home. 

Coffee and breakfast while working.

When he has downtime while working, he writes. 

He does his morning bathroom thing at 9:30 am.

At 10:30 am, he walks the dog.

At 11:00 am, he goes to The Boyfriend's house. There, he:

1/ Cleans

2/ Does a welfare check on all five cats.

3/ Works out

4/ Feeds a feral cat named Boomer. 

Back to work at 12:15 pm. Eats lunch while working.

4:00 am - visits his Mom for one hour. 

5:15 pm - feeds dog

5:30 pm - Watches evening news with Lester Holt. Will occasionally yell at Lester. 

While watching news, makes dinner: large salad, protein source, veggies, starch. 

6:30 pm - Plays piano and sings for an hour. 

7:30 pm - Writes.

9:30 - Bedtime. Reads. Lights out.

Friday:

Works 6:00 -9:00 am.

9:00 am - morning bathroom thing.

10:30 am - to The Boyfriend's house. 

11:00 am - Clean

12:30 pm - Lunch / Feed Boomer the feral

1:00 pm - Nap

1:30 pm - Write, play piano

3:00 pm - Welcome Boyfriend home. 

3:30 pm  - Feed Cats

4:30 pm - Happy Hour with baby sister and brother in-law via technology

6:00 pm - Feed Boomer the feral

6:30 pm - Dinner in or order in (Asian)

7:00 pm - Movie / Netflix / Prime

9:30 pm - Bedtime.

(Note: If in late spring, summer, or early fall - Fridays spent under oak tree at the prairie. Don't ask. The less you know the better.) 

Saturday:

Check on dog. Walk dog. 

Grocery shop: For Self and Mother

Feed Cats (including Boomer the feral)

Laundry

Movies and Video Games

Play piano

Sunday:

See Saturday, but no shopping.

5:30 pm - transition to homestead

6:30 pm  - play piano

7:30 pm - check work laptop

8:00 pm - write

9:30 pm - Bedtime/ Read

Notes:

Make sure he works out three to four times a week, minimum. Push for five. Otherwise, he starts to short-circuit. 

The same is true when it comes to playing the piano. Only, that really has to happen every day. And there will be days when he can't remember anything and it's a disaster, but make sure he sticks with it - at least twelve numbers. 

He has to eat. He will tell you he can skip a meal, but, trust me, he can't. If his blood sugar goes, he turns wicked. Or he begins to behave like a rapidly deflating balloon. 

He likes naps, but he can be a bear when he wakes up. Hot liquids serve as a good distraction.

He has irrational fears. He's afraid to talk on the phone. And don't let him. Especially service people. If there's a problem he just starts yelling at them. It's very counterproductive, but the man wasn't raised to cope. 

He's very lazy. He'll fool you. But he's almost always doing the bare minimum. And he's clever about it. He'll make you think he's doing so much more. 

He's gotten better about it, but he loses his keys and his billfold a lot. 

He's a morning person. So, you be one, too. Sometimes as early as 4:30 am. The nice thing is, he takes naps. and he is usually in bed by 9:30 pm. Give him a book and he'll be fine. 

Quiet. He likes quiet. 

No chatter. He can do small talk, and maybe you won't see it at first, but it's an act... like a script. He knows what's expected of him and he'll play the role, but it's not genuine... unless he's in a certain mood or a manic phase or wants something from you. 

He'll hide all day. But he's really bad at it, so he always hides in the same places. 

If he has an appointment, get there early. He likes early. Can't stand to keep anyone waiting. 

Any variation in his routine throws him, but he also becomes extremely extroverted when in a new environment or situation. 

Did I mention he's an introvert. 

Yeah.

Good luck with that.

--- ---

And that's enough about me.

Your turn. Leave your answers in the comments section, or post them on your blog and leave a link here.

That's all for now...

Thanks for reading... and participating!

Demolition Man - Grace Jones

Missionary Man - Eurythmics