Wonderland Burlesque's You Might Grow Up To Be A Mule Quiz - Part 4

Wonderland Burlesque's 

You Might Grow Up To Be A Mule Quiz 

Part 4

Inspired by Bing Crosby's Swinging On A Star, we continue to go where many a quiz has gone before us.

Quiz #4 is all about the various forms of media which populate our lives. 

Simply fill in the blank for the topic suggested: If you had to be a ____ what would you be?

And why?

You can pick something you would like to be, something that reflects your current state or something that captures 'the real you.' 

Just have fun with it.

There is but one quiz to go in this series. Let's get started!

So, ask yourself...

If I had to be a ____, what would I be?

1/ A holiday

Earth Day.

How I would weep and hold people accountable. That day? You would not get me to shut up for anything.

I see these beautiful photos people take and post. This planet? Amazing. Breathtaking. Magical.

And we treat it like utter garbage. We use it like a toilet. 

More and more, I am convinced that humankind are the worst thing to ever happen to this earth.

And so, on Earth Day... as Earth Day... I would take over all media: YouTube, Facebook, Netflix, whatever streaming service you're hooked on... and I would do my utmost to help humankind understand the error of their ways and exactly where things are headed if people don't change the manner in which they live. 

We'd talk about leaving our old disgusting earth-destroying ways behind in favor of clean energy, all the while emphasizing all the new, much safer, jobs going green would create. 

Of course my words would fall on receptive ears. People would do as I ask and the whole planet would be healed in the course of a year. And people would be so grateful for all I said the previous year that they would throw, in my honor, with me as the guest of honor... the first annual Earth Day Gay Orgy.

Entire parks would be roped off for this event as I magically teleported from site to site. People would have so much fun, that they'd put even more effort into preserving our planet. 

Why? 

So they can have more orgies! 

Yes. We'd be saving the planet...

But mostly it would be about the orgies! 

2/ An Event

The Miss America Pageant

I want to be The Miss America Pageant. I do. I just do. 

Ever since I first laid eyes on it. And my Mom would get all excited and hand us each a pen and little note pad with multi-colored pastel pages she'd bought at the Ben Franklins for a nickel each - instructing us to watch carefully and write down our top picks in each of the categories, to see if we could determine the winner! 

Oh, the glamor and excitement. The hair. The gowns. The tension. 

I took my job as judge very seriously, carefully wiping my hands on my pajama bottoms so as to not get the melted oleo margarine that the popcorn was bathed in on my new notepad. 

And all through high school, when everyone else was off on dates, or babysitting, and my Mom was bartending, I'd still watch. I'd still judge. Imagining what it would be like to be in those shoes. That gown. To be that one... the chosen one. With an armful of rose and diamond-laced crown riding on top of my big hairspray-coated helmet of hair. 

Or is that me? In the back row? A pearly-white smile plastered in place, smiling through the disappointment, trying to accept what it is to be an also ran... 

But not a winner. Never a winner.

Sad. We can't all be winners.

Why is that, I wonder...

3/ A Famous Painting

Guernica by Pablo Picasso

Yeah, I know... but there it is.

That's what the inside of my head looks like. On any given day.

Sadly, I haven't learned its lesson. 

It's hard to, amidst all the chaos.

Still, there's a beauty to it, which occasionally falls out, like a single tear from the corner of an eye.

4/ A Song

I'd Rather Be Alone written by Bruce Roberts

Not a song on anyone's list.

I heard it back in 1977 and immediately knew it was 'my' song. Yes, it's a tad mopey and self-indulgent, but then, so am I. 

Still, there's a resilience to be found in that piece, for the protagonist definitely rallies, determined to overcome. 

I'm a firm believer that we are our own worst enemy. We stand in our own way and are the most difficult foe we'll ever face. 

And, you know what? It took me most of a lifetime to find the person one of the verses refers to...

I'm inspired by the wrong inspiration
Even times when the light flickered low
I'd relight it again
And since you let me in
I'm not hurting for somewhere to go..

It's nice to know I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's nice to have found that person. That place. 

I thank him for loving me despite all the chaos in my head.

The Boyfriend puts up with a lot. He had no idea what he was signing up for. I count my lucky stars.

And I thank Bruce Roberts for writing I'd Rather Be Alone.

Beacons are there to guide and keep us safe... and they come in all sorts of disguises.

5/ A Book

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid To Ask) - Explained By David Rueben, M.D.

This was the dirty little secret on the shelf of every house I ever babysat at. And you just absolutely know I went to look for it.  There may not have been any pornography in the house - no Playboy magazines, no Oui, no Penthouse... but there was always this book. 

And I stumbled on it just in the nick of time. It explained masturbation to me... something that I only had to be told about once. Oh, trust me; I worked on variations on that theme for decades. 

Yes, the book certainly had its omissions - very dismissive re: homosexuality and barely touching on lesbianism, but it was the new bible at the dawn of the 1970's. I'm just glad people forgot it was on their bookshelves. 

I credit this book for the pervy little guy I was to develop into. Granted, such pervy-ness looks better on a younger model, but, in many ways, I'm still that same little pervy guy. 

Everybody has a hunger for some type of knowledge. For a time I was all about the golden age of Hollywood, then I was consumed with everything I could learn about theatre, then the history of rock 'n roll... on and on it went. But the one that has stuck with me all this time? 

Sex. 

I adore learning more about it. It's fascinating. I find people fascinating and sex? Sex is all about people. Talk about your human condition! There's a cure for what ails you - you'll just have to do it at least once a week for the rest of your life!

So, this book means a lot to me. I actually own a copy. 

No, I don't read it.

I live it.

(Oh. And did I mention? He's a doctor!)

6/ A Film

Who's That Girl?

Yes. Madonna.

Universally disliked (talking about the movie, not Madge.) I saw it opening weekend. I thought it was so much fun. I loved everything about it. Laughed and was thrilled the whole way through it.

Imagine my surprise when I read the reviews and that it was deemed a total failure?

I think the movie is a mad romp. Absolutely crazy... the way Barbara Streisand's What's Up, Doc and For Pete's Sake are a lot of whacky fun. It could be that people didn't want that from Madonna, or... maybe they were gunning for her, hoping she'd fail. 

I remember people hating the voice she used for her character... and I loved it.

I had a great time at that film. And whatever it was I saw is how I want to remember that movie.

That said, I am afraid to ever see it again. Oh, I own a copy. Treasure it. But I've never watched the film a second time. Because it's all colored now, with what other people had to say about it.

And that's me, in a nutshell. 

Frequently, I make a very good first impression. But repeated viewings? 

Trust me. I do not bear. 

7/ A Television Show

Mama's Family on The Carol Burnett Show

I would be Eunice from Mama's Family on The Carol Burnett 

Show - any time she rolls her eyes.

You can dismiss Mama's Family as nothing more than hayseed theatrics with a laugh track, but you would be forgetting about its origins on The Carol Burnett Show. 

Carol played Eunice, one of Mama's daughters. She was not the pretty one. She didn't win the lottery when it came to husbands. She sort of failed as a mother. She was a little high-strung, a little ambitious, a little needy... maybe she drank a little.

There was a palpable ache to what Carol Burnette brought to that role, something that would reveal itself in the tiniest of sighs, an injured look, or a roll of the eyes. 

She reminded me of some of the women I grew up with... in particular, my mother and her youngest sister, Carol. Both women shared many of the traits Eunice exhibited. Their frustrations with their lives and life in general rubbed off on me. I had chance to observe them, catching them in the tiniest of moments - in retreat, bargaining, or facing up to something that could not and would not be changed. Their hopelessness became a part of me. I've carried it for years and years. And so I was able to recognize them, there, in the face of Eunice as played by Carol Burnett. 

Yes, it was all very funny, but on those occasions when the pain overshadowed the laughter... well, that was the stuff of real life, of the women in my life. 

Later I would recognize them in the works of Tennessee Williams, William Inge, and Edward Albee. I saw it in the work of Julie Harris.

They say empathy can't be taught. 

But I don't necessarily think that's true.

Carol Burnett taught me a lot, putting into context things that I had absorbed through the pores of my skin. Things I was far too young to know about. Things I wasn't even aware of. 

And, so... that's me. That's my mother. That's all of us. 

There. In the tiniest of moments. 

When life peels back and reveals itself.

It shouldn't have mattered that Eunice was going on The Gong Show to make a fool of herself. 

What mattered - what should have mattered - was that there was nobody in her corner. Nobody to cheer her on.

It's hard to focus on the joy, or create it... when there's nobody in your corner.

8/ An Actor/Actress

Peter Lorre

It's those eyes. That weird hunger. His creepy voice. 

No, I'm nothing like him, but I feel what he was about. He sort of oozed all over the screen. 

Such an original. No one like him. 

And you wouldn't think there was a great deal of flexibility there, but look at his career: The Maltese Falcon, Casablanca, M, The Man Who Knew Too Much...

I actually got to play the character he plays in the film version of Arsenic And Old Lace; a  summer stock production. I had a blast. Drove the director nuts. I sort of did it as Peter Lorre meets Harpo Marx. I spent the whole show stealing things - silverware, candlesticks, cigarette cases, and hiding them in my giant coat. Then, at the end, it all falls out of my pockets. 

Lorre was so much fun.

9/ A Celebrity

Jan Miner

I want to be Jan Miner. 

The Palmolive dishwashing liquid lady.

"Oh, you're soaking in it!"

For two reasons. 

First off, I love that she defied people's expectations. People expect dish washing liquid to be hard on their hands, to dry and make them look older than they should. And Madge is just listening away, before she suggests Palmolive dishwashing liquid and reveals that her client is 'soaking in it.'  

What a great power to have. 

And secondly, as a child, I remember being stuck inside with my mother on hot summer days. No air conditioning. She'd be watching her soap operas, which meant we kids got a bit of a reprieve from whatever emotional storm she'd been brewing since the moment she got up that day.

We were trapped. And when All My Children came on, it was such a relief. 

And Palmolive was one of the sponsors and whenever Madge would come on... I felt a little joy. A little happy. 

And that meant the world to me.

10/ A Recording Artist

Bette Midler

Oh, fuck it. I'm gonna be Bette Midler. 

Suck it.

I used to have a friend who would say, "Cher can act, but should never sing. Bette Midler should never act and only sing." 

In a way, it's true. I know Bette's had her moments on the big glorious screen and that her stage show has consistently been - dare I say it? - divine. But it's her recording career where she has always shined (and sometimes shimmied and on occasion stunk the place up.) Yes, true, the lady herself may have, tongue firmly planted in cheek, referred to "the Scud missile that is my career" from time to time, but when you look at her recording output?

Oh, boy, ain't we got fun?

She covers it all. From the glam to the glamorous. From the treacly to the uniquely supreme. If there's a style she hasn't considered or a musical hat she hasn't tired on? I don't need to hear about it. 

When you have that kind of breadth as a performer? You have the ability to charm just about anybody. 

So, that's who I'm going to allow to live in my heart of hearts. The Bette Midler who sings. 

Love her or leave her...

You're never ever going to forget her.

--- ---

And that's enough of me.

Okay, your turn. You know what to do. Leave your answers in the comments section, or post on you blog and leave a link here.

Have fun with it.

Until next time...

Thanks for reading... and participating!

Swinging On A Star - Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello

from the motion picture Hudson Hawk

Swinging On A Star - Big Dee Irwin & Little Eva