Wednesday's Question Of The Day: Your Deplorable Trait

Wednesday's Question Of The Day:

Your Deplorable Trait

Hump day? Well, I'll give you something to ponder.

Yes, it's time for Wednesday's Question Of The Day.

Each Wednesday, a new question to give you the opportunity to do a bit of self-examination.  Think of it as a way of getting to know all about you and a chance to learn a little more about me. 

That's right. You know me; spill that tea! For I am the king of over-sharing!

Oh, and please leave your responses in the comments section. 

Why, think of this as a little blogging kiki!

Okay! Ready, set... 

Here's today's question:

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My anger.

It stems from frustration. The little things that add up throughout the day, or the crippling disappointments. 

I want life to be simple. I want things to go smoothly. I don't like bumps in the road. 

But I can't do anything about any of that. That is out of my control. That? Is simply a part of life. 

And most people deal with it really well. They laugh it off. They take it with a grain of salt.

Me?

I overreact. Constantly. Like a big baby. 

I read somewhere that the average person swears 90 times a day. Well, for once, I am way, way above average. Those angry little words which simply fuel more anger? They have become my go-to words. They fly out of my mouth with such poisonous ease.

Thing is? Until I was like thirty-six, I never swore. I thought it was bad and classless. 

Now? Oh, honeys, I will take on any sailor and win hands down. Piss me off? And my mouth becomes lethal. 

I spent a couple of years on medication to tame it down, because I didn't want to lose my job. Turned out the job and the atmosphere I was working in was most of the problem. I moved on and eventually found a place where the work environment was not an issue. No need for meds.

But these days? It does not take much to get me going. And that's sad.

It's hard on those around me. They literally fear asking me to do something out of fear that I will react badly. And I do. I feel put upon and react badly. 

Or, something goes wrong while doing something and I just lose my sh*t. Heaven help those that have to witness it. 

It makes me feel terrible. Like a bad person. And after, no matter what good intentions I might have had, I feel like I can never fix the damage I've done. 

It's a self-defeating cycle. 

It's about lack of time. It's about too much to do. It's about wanting to get something done as quickly and painlessly as possible. It's about doing things I don't want to do. It's about something being asked of me.

And I'm tired.

But why?

Like my time is so important? Like I have so many other more important things to do?

It's my way of being careless with people. It's very immature and it sucks. 

I don't want to be a big baby. 

I want to be a grown up. 

And the fact that, at this point in my life, I have not achieved some type of calm and found my center from which I can navigate life with ease? 

Well... that pisses me off!

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Angry Too - Lola Blanc