16 First Date Questions From The Experts: Part One - Questions 1 - 8

16 First Date Questions From The Experts

Part One - Questions 1 - 8

As we learned last week, these quiz posts can actually have more than one dimension. Last week, we learned about an organization called One Love while answering dating questions posed by one of their writers. This week... we're using that same spotlight, but with different intent. 

This one is from Love and Harmony (the eHarmony experts website). Mixed feelings about the organization. Their founder is responsible for the following statement:

“I have said that eHarmony really ought to put up $10 million and ask other companies to put up money and do a really first class job of figuring out homosexuality. At the very best, it’s been a painful way for a lot of people to have to live.”

Because, as we all know, gay people are a 'problem' to be solved? And, of course, that old saw and bow song... all gays are truly miserable people, suffering under the weight of their perversity. 

Sigh. Ignorance. Oh, dear... where to begin?

I want to tell him that I am no more happy or unhappy than he is. That my issues may be different than his - for instance, I have to deal with ignorant homophobic bigots like him on a regular basis, while he has to deal with people pointing out how hateful and hypocritical his belief system is - but different does not mean 'more painful'. Over the years I have become quite good at confronting bigotry, so, while dealing with un-evolved people remains a challenge, I do not find it much of a burden, at all.

I guess he has no trouble putting the 'harm' in eHarmony? Now, his statement is one of the most ignorant things a person could say. But given that it came out of the mouth of an 85 year-old 'christian' from Iowa with a 'Divinity' degree, should we be surprised? He said this back in 2010, complaining about how gay marriage was ruining his business. And he did start a gay companion site called Compatible Partners, but only to avoid a bunch of lawsuits. To this day, their iconic commercials creep me out, striking me as being overtly misogynistic, elitist and oh-so very 'white'. Personally, I thinking joining eHarmony would be like being inducted into The Stepford Wives club or moving to the 'suburbs'.

Okay, enough! Turn that spotlight off, and let's get on to the questions.

 

Oddly, given that the article claimed eighteen questions, there were in fact nineteen - two of which we've answered before ('Important people in your life' and 'Favorite/special place'), and one was about meat (no, not THAT meat), which I didn't include because I'm vegetarian (razzleberry). That leaves us with sixteen questions, which I am dividing in half. You'll find 'Part Two' of this quiz on Thursday.

Okay, here are the first eight:

1. What makes you laugh?

People who think they better than others, for whatever reason. 

People who think their belief system is the absolute only 'right' way.

People who feel the need to inflict said belief system on others.

People who feel the need to 'protect' their way of life.

People who fear change. 

People who live their lives in a constant state of fear. 

The same things that make me laugh, make me cry. 

But as Sondheim said: "Laugh at the king, or he'll make you cry." 

- from Everybody Says Don't from the musical, Anyone Can Whistle

A revival of that show would be rather timely, don't you think?

2. Where is ‘home’?

Seriously, wherever I lay my hat.

I am a nomadic nester, one who has become quite comfortable making a home wherever I am, for whatever length of time I am there. See, I have all I need in my big black bag. And what's not there is in the trunk of my car. My time at the prairie has honed my sense of what is needed down to the bare essentials. 

There was a time when I was terrible at accomplishing this. But, as with almost anything, keep at it, and you will eventually get a handle on it.

My thoughts, my attitude - they are what make a place home. If I am able to be myself, and think my thoughts, I am happy, I am content. I know myself better than anyone... so, left to my own devices, I can create 'home' wherever I am. 

I do that with jobs, too. They may have something in mind when they hire me, and I might try it out for awhile, doing things their way, but eventually, I make the job my own. It's on my terms. I do this. I don't do that. And don't you dare ask me to ever do that! It's one of the reasons that I do what I do for a living. 

It's also one the reasons I could never see myself going back to theater. 

I no longer feel the need to recreate life or be someone else. 

I really like who I ended up being... 

... I am 'home' to myself.

 
3. Do you read reviews, or just go with your gut?

Both.

Critique is an art form. I adore it. Tearing something down to its essentials, examining its flaws and celebrating its successes - that's something I love to do and I love it when other people do it. I steep myself in the language and the lore. Sadly, most reviews today are little more than press releases or celebrity puff pieces. I hate that. That is the kind of writing best left to those who live life on the surface. Critique asks much more of a writer... it asks them to bring something of themselves - their opinions based on their life experience. 

That said, if it is something I plan on seeing, like Rene Zellweger in 'Judy', I won't read the reviews. I will want to experience first hand, because my gut says... this is important. My gut? Not always reliable. I was super excited to see Woody Allen's Another Woman... and I was right. It exceeded my expectations. On the flip side, I was excited to see Dead Poet's Society and left the theater literally spitting, a ranting and raving loon.

Rene, in 'Judy'?

See it. And let me know what you think.

4. Do you have a dream you’re pursuing?

A dream? Not exactly. I have ideas... about what I want to happen in the next 20 years. 

I want to write again. Novels. That's why I picked this blog back up again. It was the impetus that got me to commit to writing and finishing my first novel. And I did. And I had others read it (some, as I was writing it) and I even went so far as to work with an editor on it. And the second in the series is halfway done. But then, life happened and I got distracted. Writing is like anything else... you stop doing it? That muscle is going to atrophy. So this blog... selfish and myopic as it is... is my way of getting back into shape. 

The upside to blogging: the community of bloggers! Fellow bloggers are the best medicine, especially during this time of isolation. They share and encourage, inspire and educate. 

The downside: far more 'I' statements than I am comfortable with (see?). I blow so much smoke up my own ass, the EPA is going to shut me down.

My other idea (and this one is probably not going to happen), I want to sing and play piano in a coffee shop. Not on a stage, just off in the corner. Atmosphere. 

I want to play my little songs and tell my little stories and be like your favorite couch: comforting, but something you know you're going to have to replace soon.

5. What do your Saturdays usually look like?

The middle of my weekend.

What do I do? Clean house. Saturday has always been clean house day. 

When I was a kid, cartoons would wrap up at around 10:30 am and then... all hell broke loose. Chores were assigned and then my dear, hormone-tormented monster, er, mother... would begin to coil within like a sidewinder preparing to strike. Hair would be pulled. Bodies, hurled down steps. We would be chased, caught and beaten with the vacuum hose. Our budding sense of worth and self esteem, steamed away in a non-stop hurricane of vitriol blasting with a force that only Edward Albee could capture.

We learned: we couldn't do anything right, we were the reason her life was miserable and we ruin everything. These lessons (especially that last one) have accompanied me all my life and, to this day, rear their odorous heads, spewing from my own mouth, in reference to myself when things don't go well. 

Ah, there's nothing like rampant, unmitigated psychological abuse to shape a young mind and create a brighter tomorrow!

I still clean house on Saturday. And, on occasion, lugging around the vacuum, my mother's voice roars forth (and sometimes out) and begins to act up... but, like all of you, I am stronger than my childhood monsters. They belong to the past... and that is where they should live.

6. Where did you grow up, and what was your family like?

We started on a big farm, with a huge pond that abutted a sand pit. As a tiny thing, I remember wandering around among the tall wild flowers and grasses. Monarch butterflies, salamanders, toads, frogs, cattails, pussy willows... it was magical and I was just in awe of everything. Somehow I always found my way home. 

But then my Dad got a different job and we had to move into a small town. Everything changed very quickly... and for the worse. My mother became a bit agoraphobic and would only leave the house to go to church. This may have had something to do with the fact that she had five kids in six years. Hormone-wise, she was on a roller coaster, one her body never recovered from until menopause. She also felt like everyone in the town was judging us. 

And, no, she wasn't wrong.

I plastered on a smile and, outside the home, became the perfect child... a total suck-up, precocious, with a gift for the dramatic. I knew adults ran the world, so fuck you kids, I knew where my bread was going to get buttered. Needless to say, all the other kids thought I was strange as fuck.

And, no, they weren't wrong. 

I underwent a complete personality makeover.  When I was on the farm (we stayed there until 4th grade), I was scrappy, outgoing, a bit of a rabble rouser, very popular with my classmates. We were all rural kids. But once we moved, I became introverted. Very quiet. I'd lost all my friends and thus, my way. The only positive outcome? I went from being a C student to an A one. Nothing to do but bury my head in books.

I spent a lot of time alone in my basement. Our only outlet during this time was church. I joined the youth choir. I was afraid of the boys, so I sang falsetto with the sopranos until my voice changed, when I slipped away to the other side of the loft. I made friends. Oddly enough, my first group of friends? All farm boys who didn't quite fit in with the others at school. They came to sleepovers at my house, but I was never invited to theirs. We eventually went our separate ways - I fell in with the nerds which led to music and theater, Jay went off and pursued popularity like he was a bubble-headed blonde girl in the 1950's, Roger ended up with the burn-outs, smoking dope and eventually dropping out of everything and Merlin became a born again, joining the local Maranatha chapter. The one thing we all still had in common... we were all gay, only we didn't know it, though people whispered it behind our backs all the time.

And no, they weren't wrong.

Back to my family. 

My mom, a hormonal monster. I spent a lot of time hiding and cowering.

My dad, absent, distant, quiet - usually ducking something my mother threw at him. He loved me, but it would be a long time before he would grow to like me.

The kids. We were such a mixed bag. 

My older brother was dumb as a rock, handsome as hell, and a natural athlete. Girls loved him, until he opened his big stupid mouth. He tormented me throughout my childhood, an absolute, unapologetic bully. 

My older sister was an A-type personality in search of an obsession. I think she majored in competitiveness. She knew she would never be homecoming queen. First off, she came from the wrong kind of family. Second, she was tall - 6'2" and that wasn't valued then. She was thin, with long blonde hair and a long nose she was rather sensitive about. So she decided to shine in other ways. She tackled and accomplished the piano. Technically, she was impeccable, but her music suffered some type of emotional disconnect. It always felt a bit cold and dry, to me. This was true of the saxophone, too. For her, it was not enough to do well in school, she had to be the best and that meant being valedictorian. I remember she was crushed and angry her senior year when she had to share the award with a boy. Anything less than first place resulted in bitterness. Sensing an opportunity, she turned her attention to women's sports - basketball, volleyball and track, excelling at all. Her long blonde locks would be chopped into a rather unattractive shag after an opponent pulled her hair. Bitterness set in, you could see it in her face... her determined, angry face.

My two younger sisters are very special people and, to this day, a couple of my all-time favorites. 

One, a year my junior, is the kindest, sweetest person I have ever met. A born nurturer, she's spent a lifetime caring for others. She was shorter and had a tiny bit more girth than my other two sisters, something that bothered her more than it should have. She has always been very self-conscious about it. That said, she's never been overweight. Child care has always been her thing. She was everybody's go-to babysitter and eventually, she'd make a career of it. 

My youngest? What can I say. She's my light. My person. Growing up, she and my other younger sister were joined at the hip. Later in high school, she took up theater. But she has a very practical side to her. Which is why she was the one to take my mother under her wing, befriend her and mold her into the gentler soul that lives across the street from me today. 

Growing up in a small town? It kept me naive and unprepared for how the real world worked. I think it's because things evolved so much slower... or at least they did back then. Now? The internet keeps everyone on top of everything. 

So, given that, I'm not sure what excuse they have for remaining such a shit hole. But, you know what they used to say about small town minds...

And, no... they weren't wrong.

7. What’s your big passion?

Music. Always has been. It's in my brain, 24/7. A constant wash of sound. I wish there was a way to download everything one's brain is producing as it creates it. Because there is an original soundtrack to my life that totally kicks ass. 

8. What’s the most interesting job you’ve ever had?

Care provider at The Minneapolis Crisis Nursery. My sister, the one a year younger than me, was second in command, and I used to babysit a lot in high school, so she hired and trained me. For three years, when I wasn't manning the front intake desk, or cooking (because our chef called in - again), I was providing direct care for youngsters. The place was in an old nunnery in the Middle Earth neighborhood, so it attracted some hard ass people. Parents, overwhelmed and unable to care for their kids, would drop them off at the nursery, where they could remain for 72 hours. Counselors would then work with the parents, hooking them up with service agencies to address the issues in their lives. I especially enjoyed working overnights. It was strange, but I knew that while I was working with these neglected, angry, abused kids, I was actually re-parenting myself... so it was a very healing, nurturing experience. One I have long valued and never regretted. 

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That does it for now. We've got eight more questions to go. Fortunately, they're a little more fun than these. Tune in Thursday and find out.

Small Town Minds - Short Shorts

Everybody Says Don't - Millicent Martin