Gay Scenario Quiz: What Would You Do?

Gay Scenario Quiz

What Would You Do? 

I was sold on this Gay Scenario Quiz from All The Tests by Rose Cactus after reading the first question. Of course, on the site, they limit you to three options per question, but here at Wonderland Burlesque, we change every quiz into a blue book essay exam with a little editing. Also, Rose has a tendency to leave things rather open-ended while using ellipses like she's writing the next chapter in the Shades of Gray saga (like I should talk!). 

If you'd like to take the original quiz in order to determine your sexuality (true!), you can find it here. 

After taking the quiz, I have to wonder exactly who this quiz is for? It seems all over the road, like Matt Gaetz after last call at The Swamp . 

My results: I am 50% Gay, 40% Bi-sexual, and 10% Straight.

1/ You are in the gym shower and another naked guy comes up behind you, hugging you, with his rock hard cock pressed up against your ass. What do you do?

I turn around and see if I find him mildly attractive, or at least not repulsive. Don't get me wrong, I love his style, but if he's not up to my standards (yes, I do have SOME), it's a hard no. Then, if I am unfamiliar with my surroundings, I have to ask, "Is this safe?" 

Also, I assume we're alone at the gym? Actually, there are a number of logistics in this scenario that need to add up before I proceed. 

I love public sex, but I am not the kind of person who inflicts their kink on the unsuspecting eyes of others. It would have to be an adults only gym. And preferably a gay one. Or better yet, a bathhouse, where such behavior would be the norm. 

You see, being someone who actually does this kind of shit? I recognize the naivety of the person posing this scenario. You want to actually hook up in a public space, you have to do your homework - you have to know your playing field. Because getting caught, getting thrown out or, worse, arrested? 

Not my idea of a good time. 

And never worth it.

2/ You come home and your new hot roommate is in the shower. He yells to you that you can join him. You think he is joking, but you are not sure. What do you do?

How hot we talking?

Okay... reality. I would never have a roommate. Never. The three times in the past that I did, it was a fucking disaster. Friends when we signed the lease, sworn enemies when we parted ways. I don't blame them. I am difficult to live with... on the best of days. I have a temper. I have a history of being a bit of a navel-gazer.

Have any of them been hot enough to fuck? Well, in college, yes. But that would never happen because of what I was at the time; a giant closet case - as in, obvious homo in denial. 

Also, how awkward would that be afterwards? What if the sex was bad? Or you discovered something during getting it on that you could not live with? 

Okay, fast forward to today. And lets say, for some strange reason, my roommate was none other than actor Ernie Hudson. 

Would I jump in the water, so to speak?

Fuck yeah. 

And I wouldn't care if I drowned. 

3/ You've been really horny lately and haven't had sex in months. You have a gay friend who would have sex with you in a moment's notice. He would be top or bottom (your choice) and wouldn't tell anyone if you didn't want him to. What do you do?

Have a kiki, of course. A sexy kiki. 

I dunno what the big deal would be. I mean, even if the sex was bad, you're friends, so you laugh it off, right? And I would assume, if your friend was mature enough to make such an offer, then he's also mature enough to deal with the possibility that it would end up being a hilarious disaster. 

I also assume he's not a stalker.

Ummm. Yeah. Take it from me, based on personal experience: Never invite a stalker into your house or apartment.

Even if you're lonely. And horny. And you get a knock on your apartment door. And its a girl you've never seen before. And she lives just down the hall. And she claims to know you. She's seen you in a couple of shows. And she asks, would you like to come over and have a glass of wine? And you say, yes. Because you are lonely. And horny. And they are lonely. And why can't two lonely people be lonely together? And when the wine is gone and you've looked at her photo albums which happen to contain pictures of productions you were in, but she was not - and you take it as a compliment and suggest, why don't we go back to my place? I think I have a bottle of bourbon somewhere.

Yeah. Don't do that.

Because what happens next is, you're both naked and they excuse themselves to go to the bathroom and on the way back they stop in the kitchen and grab a carving knife and the next thing you know, this woman is chasing you around your living room wanting to cut off your tinkle dink! (True story.) 

It ends with you shoving her out into the hall, naked, after you've managed to grab her wrist - you know, the one holding the knife? And in the hall, she screams loud enough to alert all your neighbors. And of course, she lives right down the hall, so... they know her, too. So...

Guess who got let out of his lease early?

Yeah. This guy!

So, ummm. Yeah. Don't do any of that.

And you would think that this would be my absolute worst experience with a woman ever...

But you would be wrong.

4/ It's your birthday. You come home and see a dildo and lube on your desk. It has a tag that reads "Happy Birthday, Use These However You Wish" No one is home but you. What do you do?

First off, I have to ask... is this a gift from a stalker? I mean, who else breaks into your house and leaves things and is also aware it's your birthday?

If I look around and see that there are no effigies of me with a knife buried in my tinkle dink area, then I wonder... from whom could this be? 

My mother? Hmm. Awkward.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband? Also awkward.

That leaves my current boyfriend and why wouldn't he just give it to me in-person or, better yet, show me how to use it?

So, no. I pick up both items and into the trash they go. 

Then I change all the locks on my doors, change my security system codes and safe word and double check all the locks on my windows. 

Then I install security cameras that record 24/7 and monitor the screens on a regular basis. 

Then I totally drop off the grid, live in a bunker buried deep in Joshua Tree National Park, where I subsist on nothing but freeze-dried prepper-rations purchased from the good Reverend Jim Bakker, the only man on earth who had the vision to see that one day someone would break into my house and leave me an anonymous dildo and a bottle of lube...

Hmm. Wait a minute.

Speaking of Jim...

... I wonder if its from him?

5/ As a prank, your friends send a gay stripper/prostitute to your apartment. He is rather attractive. Knowing that no one will know what goes down between the two of you, what do you do?

Give him a nice tip and say thank you. Good-bye.

Unless the stripper is actor Ernie Hudson. 

Then I am naked, on all fours, with a bottle of poppers at the ready. 

Truthfully? Sex and commerce do not, in my mind, mix. That's just me. All for sex workers and feel their work should be legalized, but it is not an industry I am interested in patronizing. I don't know why, but it feels super un-sexy to me. 

Even as a gift.

6/ Okay, a question that isn't sexual this time. Your good female friend introduces you to her gay cousin. He is rather wealthy, has a great job, is pretty hot, and is basically (personality wise) the description of your dream partner. He asks you out on a date. How do you respond?

I'd go out on the date. And I would even have sex, if it went there. But... for me, the whole 'dream partner' thing, like Jesus, is a myth that I no longer choose to believe in. It might exist. For you. For others. But, based on what I have experienced so far and witnessed in the world, I would have to say "No, Virginia. There is no Santa Claus".

But wait...

You did say he's wealthy, right?  That is something I have never been fortunate enough to experience, so, yes, that I would like to explore. 

Can money make you happy? I am thinking yes, up to a certain point. After that, it's up to you to make yourself happy. Of course, that is true without money, too. 

But back to the money... I mean are we talking condos in various cities and lavish trips kind of money, here? This man deciding that I am so wonderful that he wants me to quit my job and live the good life kind of money? Because, provided the dude is not a serial killer or a Republican (and some say they are one in the same), I could get on board with that. Just for the opportunity to travel. 

That would make me happy. How could it not?

7/ You are out of town and decide to stay at a friend's place instead of a hotel. He only has one bed, but it is very large, so you decide to both sleep in it. In the middle of the night, you wake up to feel his arms around you, holding you tight. What do you do?

I cuddle up and enjoy the moment. Even if his dick is poking me in the back.

See, I used to sleep in the same bed as my best friend all the time. Whatever city he was currently living in, I would show up, and even if he did have a spare bedroom, we would end up sleeping in his bed. Just friends. I don't think we even cuddled. I never thought it was weird. I did suspect he was lonely. Not that he would ever admit it. Which,now, in retrospect, strikes me as rather sad.  

But there was a lot of sadness in my ex-friend. I think that is what drew me to him. 

He was a person who lived on the surface. And he taught me a great deal in terms of what makes for a sharper image. 

And while he was constantly in therapy, I knew that he also refused to deal with his deeper shit. For many years I respected his wishes, though, on occasion I would challenge him or confront. But I also knew that having a therapist was all part of the surface he wanted to present to the world. "See... I'm working on myself. Aren't I wonderful?" 

Only he wasn't. 

For him, a therapist was an accessory, like a classic 1963 Mercedes Benz, a Vespa, or a condo overlooking Miami beach. It made him look good. In his eyes and the world's. 

The BMW was gone within a year.

The condo, ancient history.

The Vespa, too.

Yes, he had, and probably still has, a therapist. But no, he never had, nor has, any intention of doing any of the hard work.

For him, appearances matter. Hard work and people? They do not.  

8/ Coincidentally, on the same day, one of your male friends and one of your female friends admit they have feelings for you. What do you do?

Introduce them to one another? 

I dunno. 

I mean, what kind of 'feelings' are we talking? Hot sexy ones or the mushy gushy variety?

Let's say they're hot and sexy 'feelings'. 

The dude? Meh. If I'm attracted to him, then sure, game on... but it's just sex. I mean we might as well go on a hike or ride bikes. It's just an activity. A fun one, for sure, but nothing more.

The lady. Well, that is most likely going to be a hard pass. I'm still really leery of fucking my female friends. Last time I did that it turned out she was part of a cult and the cult leader wanted her to seduce me in order to bring me into the cult and when that failed they all started putting 'spells' on me. 

Yeah. It got weird. Fast.

Man, I used to get involved in some really stupid shit.

9/ You are dealing with a tough breakup. One of your guy friends comforts you all day, listening to you and putting his arm around you when you are sad. You really notice feelings for him. What do you do?

Grab a bottle of Beefeaters Gin and bury those feelings as deep as possible immediately. 

Because that is where they belong.

This question addresses the phenomenon known as transference. In other words, those 'feelings'. Those aren't real. But are based on a current unmet need; such as...

...when you have convinced yourself that you need to be in a relationship to be happy (even if the other person does not make you happy) and when that other person finally wakes the fuck up and says - hey, I am making this person miserable, I think I will break up with him - and you find that you are no longer in a relationship - a relationship that you both knew wasn't working, but hung onto anyway, and yet, rather than be grateful and thank that person for getting the hell out of your life, you...

...instead make it about yourself and your need to be in a relationship in order to be happy - which is pretty much the same as buying a classic 1963 Mercedes Benz or a condo overlooking Miami Beach, in other words, it's something that makes you look good - on the surface - in your eyes and in the eyes of others. And because you are so convinced that is important to your personal happiness...

...you take your toxic slop and pour it all over this very sweet person who is thinking they are being a good friend by helping you through this rough time, when in fact they have simply put themselves in the line of fire, on a path that eventually collides with the venomous river of your myopic, self-serving needs and...

Wait. What?

No. 

No, I'm not bitter.  

Where's that bottle...?

10/ You wake up in the morning, in bed with a strange guy, you have no idea what happened last night. What do you do?

I apologize profusely. 

Because I most likely shit all over his dick. 

Aren't I a stinker?

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How did you do? What did you do? Let me know. Use the comments section to share your answers or post it on your blog and leave a link. 

Shower - Becky G.

Actor Ernie Hudson