Wonderland Burlesque's Gay Bathhouse Quiz: Part One

Wonderland Burlesque's Bathhouse Quiz

Part One

Have you ever been to a gay bathhouse? If the answer is yes, this is the quiz for you. No? Don't despair. Read on! It will give you some idea of what to expect. This is an essay quiz, so feel free to explain your answers.

This quiz is based on my experience at Steamworks in Chicago. It has been awhile since I have been there, and some of their amenities may have changed, but I am thinking these are fairly common features at most large-scale bathhouses. 

Keep in mind that Steamworks prides itself on offering a very clean facility with well-designed, modern features. This is a fun, safe place. Not a creepy, run-down affair. Steamworks reinvests in its infrastructure and the staff is always on point, keeping the place sanitary.

You arrive. Pay. And strip down at your locker. You were given a towel. Condoms and packets of lube are available throughout the facility. There are also vending machines selling various items, in case you arrived unprepared.

1/ What did you bring that you plan to carry around?  And what's in your locker that you are willing to leave the play area to retrieve or use?

I always bring my little sex kit. It is a small, black leather shaving kit. In it: condoms, small packets of lube, a blindfold, a black g-string, five cock rings (various sizes, 2 Chrome, 3 black rubber), a finger nail clipper, and at least two bottle of poppers - one open, one new. 

I also bring a bottle of antiseptic mouth wash, wet wipes, and a plastic douche bottle. 

Most of this will stay in the locker. The only things I will bring with me into the facility are a cock ring (which I will wear) and a bottle of poppers.

I will return to to my locker frequently, as I love to gargle. There is a mouthwash station provided at the facility, but I like my own brand. I also return to my locker if my ass goes bad (it happens). My ass also needs to be douched between 'uses' (here's hoping). I like to run a clean house.

2/ How long are you planning on staying? Two hours? Four? Until they kick you out?

If I remember right, they make you pay for 12 hours. I rarely make it beyond four. I'm just not a sit around and recharge kind of guy. More of a cum and go. I'd rather get back to my hotel.

The first thing you see is a complete, modern gym.  

3/ Do you get a work out in before or during your time at the bathhouse? Of course, that's why I came? Or, not the kind of 'work-out' you had in mind?

I do work out a bit. I want to look my best. The body looks better freshly pumped. By the way, the gym area is also where they play group games, like Twister. I have never participated, but watched once. Looked like fun, but those that were playing were way out of my league. 

P.S. Working out in a towel? Difficult. Working out naked? Problematic, but not impossible. Keep your towel between you and any equipment you sit on.

You enter the arena. It is a room with a pit. There is a raised catwalk along two sides of the room. Men stand above and insert their dicks through holes. The ones standing in the pit suck the dicks. The men in the pit can see the upper torso of the man they are sucking.

4/ Are you on the catwalk above, or the pit below? Or do you try both? Or, sorry - not my thing.

The pit below. I tried this once. Since then, I go in and watch and that is all. 

First time, there was this older Black dude with giant dick. People were lined up taking a shot at it, me included. Dude was a pro. Does not cum until he wants too, and apparently he can take it a long time. I know a couple of guys like that. Not my thing. I want a pay day.  

Oddly enough, after giving up on the hung Black dude, I moved on to another dick that caught my fancy and he blew within a minute. That's okay, but, I do like to work for it at least a little. 

I know... picky, picky.

In the pit there are Lucite boxes with holes and a door. They are large enough to fuck in. You are approached by a guy who is totally your type. He cruises you and tries to entice you to enter the box with him.

5/ Do you go and fuck, or decide you would like to see all that is available first? 

First time I went, a dude did hit on me. He was tall and handsome. Wanted to fuck in the Lucite box. I got in there with him. He was a bottom, so I was like, well, when in Rome. It was very hot, very sweaty, a bit claustrophobic (the air quality). It was fun, but I disengaged before I shot my load. 

Hey, I just got there. 

And I am one of those people who is always afraid he might miss out on something.

You walk through a back door. There is a maze of hallways. The walls have doors, some open, some closed. In the open ones, you see men either sitting on a bed or on the bed ass up ready to take some dick. You find several of these men very attractive, very hot.

6/ Are you looking for a top or a piggy bottom? What is your approach? Or, this feels too much like a brothel, I am out of here?

I am looking for neither at this point. I always cruise these rooms, but it takes a lot for me to get lured into one. They feel like a trap to me. Like you never really know what's going on with that person. Drugs? And how long have they been there?

I never play with the ones that are ass up. That mindset - I find it sexy and hot in theory, but in practice? Not so much. No judgement, just not me. Could I see myself doing it? Yeah, but not for long. I would find it boring. I would also have to be pretty fucked up on poppers in order to get through it. Also, I would turn around and see who was about to do me and if they were not up to standards? No go. I guess I am a hypocritical piggy.

I have met nice guys in those rooms. I always find it is best to stand outside and start a conversation with them. Then you can assess their potential as a temporary fuck bud. Me, I want an energetic, healthy, nice guy. One time I made the mistake of getting involved with a dom in a bad mood. He was hot... dark fur, fiery eyes, nice beard. It started feeling very angry and wrong right away and he got super pissed when I tried to bail, even closing the door. I freaked and made a bit of a scene... but I got out of there fast. 

So, yeah. I like these rooms, in theory, but remain very leery.

You head back in the opposite direction that you came from. You walk into a small room. It has a raised leather fuck bench, perfect for a bottom to kneel on, bend over, and present his hole. 

7/ Do you hang around and wait for a bottom to assume the position?  Or assume the position and wait to see who shows some interest? Or, not your thing?

Hee hee. Again... in theory. The first time I saw this set up I was like... oh, yeah! No one was around, so I climbed up there to see what it felt like, bent over and spread my cheeks. It was scary fun. 

Weirdly, within seconds, a dude, not my type (I have a type?), approached and wanted to fuck me. I climbed off, apologizing like crazy - oh, no, sorry, I was just checking it out, I blah, blah, blah. 

He seemed a bit perturbed. 

I always feel like a total tourist. The blind stumbly kind that inadvertently destroys the Mona Lisa or causes an international incident. 

So, the thing with most of this set up? During peak hours, there are dudes that hit these rooms with a great deal of purpose - as in, there will be dudes lined up waiting to climb on that bench and dudes lined up to fuck the dudes on that bench. So if you are expecting non-stop action? It happens there. After bars close, on the weekends...?

But I am not a peak hour kind of guy. I tend to go when things first open, so I avoid the crowds.

I guess I'm also a tourist who doesn't like to stand in lines.

Next you walk into a dark pit-like room illuminated only by a large screen showing gay porn. The pit is nicely appointed with a huge wraparound couch and various large cushions. Couples are making out and chatting, but there are a few standing around, staring at the screen and stroking their dicks.

8/ Do you hang out, enjoy the movie and see what happens? Or, move on - this is so not your scene?

I think if I went now, at this point in my life, I would hang out here. It is nice. Almost like a cocktail lounge. The kind of guys that hang there? A lot more laid back than those working the halls and glory holes. Maybe it's due to my age. I dunno. I've noticed this is true of my behavior at the prairie, too. Less on the prowl, more looking to chat. 

But, in the past, nope, I'd walk through this room, looking for a dick to suck, but other than that, I had no patience for it. Also, I'd get all concerned about sitting on that furniture. But, hey, keep your towel between you and all surfaces and you'll be fine. Staff does a wonderful job of keeping the joint sanitary. So my reluctance? It's all in my head. 

Leaving the movie theater, you come upon a long room with a raised platform. There are walls that run the length of both sides of the platform with glory holes cut into the walls. There are steps at each end of the platform. If you want your cock sucked, you walk up the steps. If you are looking for cocks to suck, you stand below and select one based only on what the cock looks like. 

9/ Which side of the glory hole are you on? Or will you try both?  Or not your thing?

You will always find me on the outside of one of these. Usually standing near the end of one of the entrances, catching a glimpse at who's walking up those steps. Yeah. I always cheat. Anonymity? Fun in theory. But not my thing at all. 

That said, a good looking dick poking out of one of those? Oh, yeah, I want a taste. 

Funny story: Once I took a friend of mine to Chicago, so he could go to the baths. He was going through a rough time and I thought, here's a cure for what ails ya! He's a little guy with a huge dick - his ex told me all about it. We shared a hotel room and went in the afternoon, our first day in town. Once there, we went our separate ways, promising to meet up for dinner later. I ended up spending a good four hours there. He was napping when I got back to the hotel.

Later, at dinner, we start sharing our exploits. I'm about to tell him about this huge dick I sucked to completion through a glory hole on this platform, when he shares that he spent his entire time there on the other side of that same glory hole platform. 

Hmmm. What are the odds?

I never did tell him about that big cock I sucked.

Some things? You just don't wanna know.

In that same room are several pairs of bunk beds, complete with nice white bottom sheets. Couples make use of them, or individuals hang out in one, hoping someone joins them.

10/ How likely are you to use one of these bunk beds? Upper or lower bunk?

Not for me. Number one... they are too claustrophobic. And dark. I know the sheets are white and changed on a regular basis, but still... And then I worry about crabs. They are the real reason I shave my pubes and ass and keep my fur trimmed. I never want them again, ever. 

I mean, sure, it would be nice to lie down next to your newfound friend, but... uh-huh. Not there. I also have the same issues with the beds in those little rooms people rent. 

Then again, if the right dude comes along... 

...I'd probably follow them anywhere.

Let's say you have played for a bit here and there. You remember an open shower and restroom back where your bathhouse journey began, back near the vending machines and mouthwash station.

11/ How frequently will you shower while on site? After every encounter? Just before you go home? Never, you like to bring souvenirs home with you?

Having brought souvenirs home in the past (see previous answer), I love to rinse off after every encounter. You simply never know everything that special someone else is bringing to the table. A quick rinse after gives you an opportunity to start over with a fresh slate when you meet your next special someone else. 

See? It's like shampoo and conditioner: rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat... 

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Okay, that does it for Part One. Thanks for taking my quiz. Hope you're enjoying our little bathhouse journey. We'll cover the rest on Thursday. In the meantime... Leave your answers in the comments section or post them on your site and then leave a link. 

And remember: rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat...

Boom Boom Boom (Let's Go Back To My Room) - Paul Lekakis

Gloryhole - Trust