Wonderland Burlesque's Escenario Famoso Imposible Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Escenario Famoso Imposible Quiz

I dunno. Maybe it's the approaching holiday season, but sometimes life just cries out to be more like a Spanish soap opera instead of the boring documentary about the life of the dung beetle it's so content to be.

To liven things up, I thought... why not infuse our lives with a bit of drama, in the form of an unlikely situation, and add to it the spice of fame, as in famous people? Celebrities. Now, they know how to bring the cray cray, am I right?

Yes, those are the two ingredients that make up today's little quiz stew, my dears. 

Think of this as an opportunity to indulge in a bit of harmless escapism.

Five scenarios. Multiple questions. Nothing too difficult. Have fun with it.

Simply allow you imaginations do the talking!

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1/ The universe regrets to inform you that they placed you in the wrong family. To make up for it, you can become part of any fictional or famous family you want. Which would you choose? What role do you play in the family? And how would you shake things up?

The Addams Family immediately sprung to mind. But I'm not sure I could keep up with their brand of macabre humor. 

And I thought about becoming part of The Brady Bunch. But the thought of playing the creepy gay Uncle? Not much fun. And The Partridge Family? Well, they already have two fake-ass keyboardists, I don't think they need another

Which brings us to Leave It To Beaver. 

Maybe I could play June's older brother who works at the high school as the phys ed and health teacher. I would introduce episodes where I would talk to the boys... mainly Wally, Eddie Haskell and Lumpy about things young men should know about. I would teach them things like the importance of wearing a jock strap when physically fit. And how to properly fit a jock strap - I would use Wally to demonstrate. I'd also have to probably demonstrate to them why jock straps are open in the back - you, know, for easy access? Hey, those straps? They come in handy. 

We'd talk about all sorts of things... like the very special episode when I must explain to Eddie Haskell how he most likely contracted anal warts - because, you know Eddie takes it up the butt, right? He seems the type.

There would be the episode when June and I, against Ward's wishes, set up a card table in front of city hall and begin to register women and minorities so they can vote in general elections.

There would be the episode when my best friend, Maybelle, adopts a black child from the south. When Maybelle attempts to enroll her at the high school, she meets resistance, but June and I round up all the folks we just helped register to vote and we march on that school - so that Maybelle's child has access to the same education The Beave and Wally take for granted. 

Then there's an episode when the Cleavers find themselves in financial turmoil. June and Ward go over the family budget and June is flummoxed by the amount of money she spends yearly on brassieres and panties. She raises such a stink about it, I eventually have to sit down and explain that her husband Ward, like many hardworking white collar family men,  has a special interest in brassieres and panties and that frequently, when she is playing bridge in the afternoons, Ward steals home from the office and indulges in his special interest. Then... the shame sets in and he has to burn everything he has worn. Thus creating a need for new brassieres and panties. So, I suggest she get on board with her husband's kink and remove the stigma by playing dress up together. June is uncertain, but then I explain that it's the easiest way to reduce the family budget for brassieres and panties! Also? It gives everybody the perfect gift idea for Ward come the holidays. June sees the light and financial stability is restored.

And speaking of the holidays...

 

In the final season, we would introduce Chemistry Professor, Ronald as my 'roommate' - wink, wink. Seeing as I would have been invited to June's for all the important holidays in previous seasons, this final holiday-themed show would have special significance, as I'd be bringing Ronald to a family gathering for the first time. Why imagine the hilarity when The Beave gets all flustered because he's not sure how to refer to Ronald. The episode comes to a most satisfying end when Wally, who was dead set against Ronald becoming a part of the family, finally comes out of the closet and announces that he and Eddie Haskell have been butt buddies since the sixth grade. 

Yes. the fifties... home to all sorts of little kinky things everybody pretended weren't happening.

2/ Your plane has crashed on a remote uninhabited island and you are stranded. Unfortunately, one first class passengers survived and it just happens to be the one celebrity you find most annoying in all the world. Who is it? What do you find so annoying? And how do you pass the time?

Kanye West. Or Ye, as I would have to call him until he decompresses, at which point I start calling him Yee Haw. (Note: this was written before his most recent embarrassment.)

What do I find annoying? Oh, hell... what is NOT annoying about that man? He needs to take his meds. And since he won't do that? Then...

Mr. West needs to unplug.

He also needs to be removed from the obviously toxic environment he has become accustomed to. The man has lost all sight and sense of reality. This little island retreat? It's gonna force him to calm the fuck down. Not only will I not do anything he suggests, I will constantly work to undermine his dramatically over-estimated sense of self-worth by pointing out the reality of his current circumstances. 

We are stuck on an island. With no Wi-Fi. No cell phone reception.

All of his theories on race, religion, politics, etc. Oh, all those little myths are gonna pop in the sun like the zits on his forehead as he detoxes. Because Yee Haw deserves to know the truth - that he's been talking foolishness for far too long.

I will work his nerves until he comes to accept and love the untalented, little schmuck he truly is.

You see, you strip Kanye of all his 'stuff' and his posse and his handlers and his access to the media? You have a really boring dude with a Michael Jackson fetish. And after a few months of me calling him Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks? 

Oh, yeah... I will break him.

Break him until he cries. 

3/ You've been hired as a writer on a classic sitcom which is looking for new ideas to freshen up the season. What show is it? And what are you going to do to shake things up?

No doubt about it... The Mary Tyler Moore Show. 

First off, it happens in Minneapolis, and, I know Minneapolis. 

Secondly? What a great cast to write for. I can tell you right now, Mary is going to find a pair of balls and Sue Anne Nivens is going to come out as a raging, card carrying lesbian. Sorry, Cloris Leachman, but you don't get to leave the show, since we'll use your character to talk about the mental health issues privileged, hormonally challenged white women are prone to. Rhoda is going to become a performance artist who is also a political activist.

And, shock upon shock... Mary gets a black friend. Her name is Floicia (Floh-ee-she-ah) and - do not make the mistake of calling her 'Flo', because she will cut you just by looking at you. In fact, she's the new HR manager at WJM-TV. She is sweet, personable, and very professional. Needless to say, she has to put all these privileged white MF's in their place - constantly. 

Yes. The Mary Tyler Moore Show just got 'woke'. Deal with it America. Just like Floicia has to learn to deal with the situation when Mary Richards starts having an affair with her brother who serves as City Attorney for Minneapolis.

There's all sorts of fun episodes. Like the one where Mary hosts a Tupperware party on behalf of Phyllis and Rhoda confesses to having had a one night fling with Sue Anne Niven. Phyllis spend most of the episode trying to picture what two women do in bed together, until Mary, who is sick of Phyllis asking ignorant questions, lays it all out for Phyllis, including role play, pegging, and scissoring. When  the others express amazement at Mary's grasp of the ins and outs of lesbian sex she explains that growing up, she went to Girl Scout Camp every summer, so... she knows a thing or two.

4/ All the movie superheroes in the universe have lost their sidekicks. Which superhero do you want to work with? What is your super ability? And who plays your superhero?

I sort of wanted Plastic Man, but then I remembered that dildoes, while fun at first, quickly lose their appeal. (Have changed my mind about dildoes... the one I have? My best friend.) 

Then there's Superman. I mean, it would be nice to fly for free, but I have a feeling the laws of physics would definitely apply to me, so unless I'm just like him (and who wants to be a clone?) that probably would be a very painful learning curve. Then there's the whole double-life. I mean, I know all the really super Superheroes bring that to the table, but... Clark Kent? What, you put on a pair of glasses and you're someone else? I mean, come on. The man is not trying hard enough. 

So, in the end? I'm going with Bruce Wayne/Batman. 

Yeah, he's kind of fucked in the head, right? But he's got a lot going for him. He's rich. I like rich. He's handsome and has a great body - he could have his own OnlyFans page! He's got a butler. I love it when there's someone to clean up my mess. He has Robin (Oh, yeah, Boy Wonder? We ain't giving that up. Imagine the three-ways!). And then, the man is good with gadgets and vehicles. I'm thinking he will just come up with all sorts of stuff to keep me sexually active until the day I pass away. Which - with all the dick I am gonna be getting as his sidekick? 

Might be sooner than expected. 

As for my special ability? 

Honey! I am still getting laid on a regular basis at this late stage in the game. 

Obviously - I already have a special ability - wink, wink!

Oh, yeah, we gonna make Boy Wonder really wonder - as in, wonder how it is he's lived this long and never had anything as fine as this thang here, right here!

You feel me?

Because Batman do. 

You should see all I got parked up in his 'bat cave.' Mmm hmm.

5/ Aliens have landed and they want to take you back to their home planet to probe you, but, they'll go easy on you if you pick a famous person to bring along. What celebrity do you feel could use a good probing and why?

I am bringing Ms. Lindsey Graham Cracker. 

Why? 

Because that bitch is so hungry to have his orifices probed he won't leave those damn aliens alone for a minute. Telling 'em to do this and do that and do it like this, not like that, and where's the lube and won't somebody get him a tiara and put Gone With The Wind on the ship's video monitors. And somebody get him some K or Miss Tina 'cuz he's an old circuit boy who can't put out unless he's properly medicated, but one that needs to be used and abused, turning tricks in the club men's room.

They will be so busy satisfying that closeted hunty, they'll be too exhausted to bother little old me. 

Which is fine by me.

I'll be too busy being rescued by Bataman... who is played by none other than Pete Buttigieg. Oh, yes, that's right, children...Pete and Chasten and I and the children? Oh, we goin' to The Whitehouse.

Chasten, as Boy Wonder will take care of all that first lady crap while Pete and I work on creating cancer resistant prostates which pack a real wallop all the way until the day you die. I mean we are talking about something so powerful you could put out an eye with that thing... firing off like a damn AK-47. 

Yes, there's only one kind of power that interests me... and it's in my pants.

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And that's enough of me.

Okay, your turn. Leave your answers in the comments section or post 'em on your blog and leave a link here. Have fun with it kids. 

Okay, I gotta go take a nap now. 

I tell you... Pete and Chasten... they take it out of a boy.  

I haven't had this much fun since Neil Patrick Harris, David Burtka and I  used to throw down on a regular basis. Yes, things got messy near the end... but then, that's what butlers are for, right?

And speaking of being in need of a good probing...

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Superhero - Daze

Superheroes - The Script