Wonderland Burlesque's Hey, Santa! Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Hey, Santa! Quiz

Is there anyone more iconic than Santa? Probably - a number of advertising mascots spring to mind - but we are talking Xmas here! And who is the most generic advertising mascot of all-time? No one has a copyright on Santa, therefore, Santa is a universal salesperson. 

I think everybody has had some kind of experience with the big, jolly guy over the years making him fair game for a Wonderland Burlesque quiz.

And, so... we are talking Kris Kringle, today.

Yes, this is your opportunity to share your close encounters of the Santa kind. 

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1/ Did you / do you believe in Santa? Did you write him letters? What did you leave him on Xmas eve?

I did. I kind of confused his story with the baby Jeebus one. I sort of assumed they were all one in the same. I mean the three wise men with the gifts... it sort of seemed related. So, for me, as I grew older, I just sort of clung to the belief that he was just as real as Jeebus.

And, hey... guess what? I was right.

I don't remember writing Santa, although, I am sure I did.

And we did the glass of milk and cookies thing, for sure. For the baby Jeebus, too.

2/ When did you get the news? That he wasn't... (spoiler alert) real? 

I think I was like ten years-old. I discovered all the presents in a closet. 

Once I realized my Mom was responsible for all the stuff... game over, fat man. From that point on, that became my thing... find the presents before the holiday. That's also when I started looking a little closer at the faces behind the beard. At the church children's Christmas party? That's Ed, our garbage man. At the mall? This dude smells like cigarettes and B.O. and I can see the dark stubble under his fake beard.

Yeah. The dream was over.

As for Jeebus? Yeah, that one took a little longer...

3/ Did you visit Santa at the Mall? Were you scared of him? Did you pee?

We did - visit Santa. And since it was small town, not really much of a mall (Red Owl, Ben Franklins, a hardware store), the whole thing, in retrospect, was pretty shabby. 

I wasn't scared of him, so much as intimidated. I wouldn't ask him for anything, just nod my head and accept whatever generic toy he had to offer. A truck? Sure, I would nod... 

I want 'a truck'. 

Never peed on his lap. And I don't believe I cried. He reminded me of grandpa.

 

4/ Do you have pictures of yourself, as a child, on Santa's lap?

No. If that was even possible, my parents could not afford it. 

I was always very jealous of the kids who did get to sit on Santa's lap and have a picture taken. In my eyes... they were rich. I also assumed that they got more presents. I was pretty sure it was all a payola scheme - buy a picture, get more presents. Who knew Santa was a racketeer?

5/ As an adult, have you ever visited Santa? What did you ask him for?

I have not. 

But, when I was Stub Toe the Elf, I watched a lot of drunk adults climb on Santa's lap. 

The first year, I worked with this uber-Xtian who took the whole thing way too seriously. He would tell me I was lazy and try to tell me what to do - in my own house (it was Stub Toe's house). We didn't get along... and I secretly enjoyed ushering in adults, because he hated it so much. He'd tolerate it and then chastise them. 

But the second year, I worked with a dude who didn't care. We had so much food stored in that little house. And he was kind of a dirty old man... I think he was getting a cut off the photo money, so he would talk these women into sitting on his lap and getting a photo. He'd also insist they give Santa a kiss. 

I was the photographer. He'd ask for a second photo, for himself and  hike their skirts up just a little, to show some thigh. 

Dirty old poo.

But it beat having to put up with the Xtian.

Not surprisingly, neither of us was asked back the next year.

6/ Have you ever dressed up as Santa?

Once, at the Minneapolis Crisis Nursery, and then, the time I played Santa at a mall in St. Louis Park starting after Thanksgiving. 

The Crisis Nursery? It was brief, no kids sat on my lap... I just had to walk through the room and wave. 

But the mall...

It was a weird ass gig, and I don't know how I got through it. It all felt claustrophobic. I had a female elf assistant. I hated that beard. And took lots of smoke breaks. The suit smelled and, at that point in time, my desire to be around children was at an all-time low. But I needed the money.

One kid complained that I smelled like cigarettes.  A couple peed on my lap. 

That suit? It never got washed. 

7/ Santa's typically gave out those little candy canes at the end of a visit. Do you like candy canes? What do you do with them?

I don't.  Not at all. 

I think they are future landfill.

I never know what to do with them, end up feeling guilty about throwing them away, so they sit in a desk drawer. 

I'm thinking... hey, in the event that there is a zombie apocalypse and food gets scarce...?

Maybe then I'll eat them.

8/ What are your favorite Santa-based movies?

Bad Santa, with Billy Bob Thorton and Bernie Mac. Truly epic.

I love all those poorly-animated / awesome stop-motion animation, half-hour television shows they used to show on the three major networks. Some that music is marvelous and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, which sort of started it all remains my fave. I just adore the elf, Hermey, who is deemed a failure as an elf because he wants to be a dentist. He's my kind of gay.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is good for a laugh, even though I don't like Chevy Chase at all. I do love me some Beverly D'Angelo. Grrr. She's on my list... to this day. I want to buy her a drink. And Cousin Eddie remains one of the greatest holiday characters ever created.

The one I am itching to see again?

Krampus. 

It's a horror/holiday film... and delivers the goods on both accounts. 

9/ What are your favorite holiday carols about the man in red?

Hey, Santa, by Carnie and Wendy Phillips. I love them like you wouldn't believe (I don't know why) and their holiday offering is the bomb. 

You can't forget the holiday classic Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney by Ella Fitzgerald.

And then, there's Sia's jaw-dropping Santa's Coming for Us. (If it wasn't for the subtitles, I would have no idea what it was about.) I mean, come on... who doesn't adore Susan Lucci?

I have been listening to this radio station that is playing non-stop Xmas music... and I just adore it. I end up so disappointed when they switch back to their regular format after the holidays. 

And I love that yule log they have on television... that plays the same songs over and over again while showing footage of a fireplace. 

Sadly, they don't play any of these songs.

10/ Do you like Sexy Santa?

Is it okay to objectify Santa?

Hells YEAH. 

He puts the 'ho' in my ho, ho, ho.

Never really experienced one in the flesh...

...but I got a thing for big, hard, round bellies. Grrr.

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That's all for this week.

You know what to do. Leave your answers in the comments section, or post them on your blog and share a link. 

Happy holidays!

Hey, Santa! - Carnie & Wendy Wilson

Santa Got Stuck in My Chimney - Ella Fitzgerald

Santa's Coming For Us - Sia